a reflection on 2011: the year i got selfish!

day:118

so this is the dilly – 2011 started out like 2010 which started out like 2009 & so on & so on.
big ambitions & very little motivation.
i can sit here & list a bazillion reasons but ultimately i believe that my inability to be okay with putting myself 1st has been my downfall all along.
no really – hear me out.

this year my life, my health, my sanity, my relationships, & my overall well being were in jeopardy.
i hit a wall with so many things & was left feeling overwhelmed & defeated in just about every aspect of my life!
after years of trying to self-medicate with just about every form (mainly food) possible -- i finally realized that i needed help with my depression & i needed to make that a priority.
i know it’s cliché but admitting ya got issues truly is the 1st step to recovery.
and girlfriend (that be me) be drownin’ in her own shit & shit!

once i got over the depression hurdle that is when i had an epiphany – i cannot be the best mom, partner, friend, daughter, & human being until i am okay with ME. and i cannot be okay with ME until i make ME the top priority in my life over EVERYTHING else.
and I mean EVERYTHING -- kids, spouses, partners, friends, relatives, jobs, faith, commitments – all of it!
all those things you put ahead of yourself no matter what because you believe that is how to show your love & devotion, what is expected of you, makes you a better person, & we (especially women) are taught that being selfish about ourselves is a bad thing.
and sorry kiddos but doing all of this will NOT EVER lead to true happiness.
life is too effin’ short to be unhappy – so i decided to be happy.
that’s when i kicked it into high gear & made some decisions that changed everything…
i left my job -- the work environment was toxic on so many levels & no amount of money is worth being miserable every single fucking day! could we afford it? helllll to the no! but i also couldn’t afford to loathe something so much that i wanted to punch something or someone hard. really hard!

and i rejoined weight watchers – i decided that i am worth the added expense, time, effort & energy it takes to truly commit to weight loss & getting fit.

just those two vital decisions & how they bettered my world transcended into other bigger/smaller decisions & actions that have made my life increasinly happy!
and when mama’s happy – EVERYONE is happy!
truly.

in 2012 – i plan to keep it rollin’ & continue on my current path. i will never be that girl again – the one who lets life come 1st .
i come 1st no matter what!
and anyone who doesn’t like it can kindly step to the left & fuck off.

peace, love, & toasts to a fuckin’ fabulous 2012!
xxoo
cyn

**** disclaimer – i am in NO WAY telling anyone to run out & quit their job or to do anything drastic for that matter. i am only relaying my life experiences & what changes helped me. and as always i recommend EVERYONE see their doctor before beginning ANY weight loss/diet/exercise regimen!