getting uncomfortable...

day 136:

merry wednesday-ness blogdom!
hold on – this might be long-winded…

so i wrote on monday that i was in a slump & not having the best of days…
(i have had a few lately truth be told)
between the holidays & then my little girl getting so sick – i think it has been really hard to get back into the swing of things?
i was going through the motions & doing the things i needed to do – but i am certainly not going out of my way to exert any energy to push life past my *comfort zone*…
meh.

i know this is so cliché – but…

(ya know i gotta toss the jillian wisdom in there every now & again)

so yesterday i am took my existance back…
i choose not to exist in the meh where I feel incapable & a little unwilling.
instead…
i am choosing to kickass & push myself past the point of no return. because i do not want to return to that icky blah feeling!
i know sometimes in depression you can’t always will yourself outta the funks – but sometimes you most certainly can. motivation comes from many sources but the kind that counts the most comes from within…

moving along & going in a totally different direction but i do have a point to this…
so yesterday i had a teeth cleaning but let me state this right up front – i am not dentist friendly.
and i know this is horrible but i let a lot of years pass without a visit (just keeping it honest no matter how embarrassing that is). and as hypocritical as this may sound – nothing skeeves me more than fucked up teeth. sorry if that’s offensive & bitchy – but that’s how i feel & i know how ass backwards that sounds coming from someone who avoids the dentist like the plague!
not making lame excuses but you know how it is when you are in your 20s & 30s – you think you’re invincible & nothing will ever happen to you. well i learned the hard way that isn’t the case. i finally relented & saw a dentist a little over a year ago & surprisingly, minus a few minor cavities & the need for a deep cleaning my teeth were a-okay. i mean i am not some grub – i do brush several times a day – totally suck at flossing though & i got my ass chewed for that.
but i digress…
so last year i was on track to getting back to regular dental care & then my shit former job got insane & i totally missed my last two appointments for another cleaning & one last cavitiy to be taken care of.
fast forward a year + later & here i am back at square one. now i have three very small cavitites (grrrr really?!?!) & my teeth needed a deep cleaning.
my last cleaning a year ago wasn’t the best experience – i am sorry but that shit effin’ hurts & i loathe that feeling of the metal hook thingy scraping my teeth – it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard to me!
(my freakazoid anal retentive dental flossing boyfriend LOVES to get his teeth cleaned?!?!)
but at least the hygentist was super nice & very attentive to my chicken shit needs.
well yesterday i got the OTHER hygentist.
the eva braun of dental hygiene i might add.
this bitch MUST work out because i thought for sure she was ripping my teeth out or at the very least scraping the enamel off of them!
it was fucking horrible & i swear i am traumatized. (okay i might be exaggerating but it sucked gorilla nuts for sure!)
but…
i don’t think my teeth have been this clean since the 1980s.
i will be seeing my dentist for four mondays in a row starting on january 30th to get the fillings taken care of (why we can’t do this all in one go i dunno?) & i already have my appointment in july for another deep cleaning (shivers).
i am vowing to not let another year go by without being a good dental patient – no matter how much it scares the crap outta me! because this is what i need to do to be healthy & the best me possible!

which brings me to my point…
i know i have said this before but this journey i am on is about so much more than a number on the scale/losing weight.
it might be the thing that motivated me to get off my ass & has brough me a lot of self-esteem -- but 4 ½ months in & i realize it is about so much more.
it is about taking care of myself – body, mind & soul & becoming the best me i can be!
sometimes that means getting uncomfortable (yeah that again) & doing things that i might not like, that don’t feel so hot, or are not fun.
but that is life & i would rather be living life good & bad than burying my head in a proverbial hole & being that girl who turned a blind eye & didn’t lead her own life.
and if something mundane like the dentist steers me even further in that direction – then bring it on!

peace, l♥ve & carpe the fuck outta this diem!
xxoo
cyn
p.s.
I missed biggest loser last night because goddess group resummed this week – but I will be watching it tonight!

wanna contact me in a more personal manner than my comment form? feel free to email me: chunkygoddess@verizon.net !

ramble & rant

day 101:
happy humpity humps blog-o-zone!

so i had this thought of making a big ta-doo about hitting 100 days yesterday – but as you can see – that did not come to pass.
but at any rate – happy 100 days to me!

warning: complete randomness ahead & if i repeat anything i mighta wrote about before – sorry; this time of year makes me loopy as fuck!

speaking of which: i think people are crazier than ever this year – i went out xmas shopping yesterday & came home with the intense need to down a six-pack (i didn’t) & to punch something really hard (didn’t do that either).
i am usually the jolly elf but this year i feel like grumpy mcgrumpis!
so please random assholes out there in the world – steer clear of me with your *my life is way more important than yours so i must cut you off, run you down, & basically be an inconsiderate shit* attitude!
merry xmas!
next…
so i gotta come clean about something…
i am not in love with the shred-it with weights workout.
but jillian i still love you!
(i write my blog as if she is reading it -- heh)

the workout rocks & i am totally loving the kettlebell but i just don’t feel very challenged? not like i did with 30 day shred & ripped in 30…
i believe that if you workout & don’t sweat your balls off – you aren’t pushing yourself hard enough. and sadly this workout doesn’t make me sweat my balls off.
i am so disenchanted by the workout that last night i also did level 1 on 30 day shred to compensate for what i feel like is not my usual balls to the wall workouts.

but i am not a quitter – i am currently on level 1 & i think i will try level 2 & see if that is the challenge i need (and crave). and if not i will make a decision where to go from there. i just worry that i am going in the wrong direction with my fitness. i want to continually push myself & i feel like i am regressing?
probably all in my little warped imagination – but i am just being honest about how i feel.
in all seriousness – anyone out there looking for a great strenght/cardio workout @ a moderate level – shred-it with weights is the way to go.
and you don’t need a kettlebell – you can use any light handweight (3-8lbs).
it’s about 25 minutes (warm-up & cool down included) & i think just about anyone can find 25 minutes a day to workout…
just sayin…

moving along…
still going strong in the sweet tooth challenge – although friday is the last day that i committed to. but i am pushing on. i admit there are times when i crave something junkie – but i have held on & made healthier choices.

the misconception about this challenge is that i am restricting myself – not true at all. i eat plenty & snack at least twice a day. i am just making different choices with what i eat.
speaking of choices & eating.
switching back to a full vegan diet has been a breeze. but i feel better about it this time. i know i am ready to committ & it feels right.
i have also made a pledge to be more open & experimental with my vegan diet this time around.
i tried soy milk for the 1st time & i love it.
no really – I LOVE IT! i am not a milk person – never have been – and while i would never drink a glass of soy milk per say – it is amazing in cereal & makes oatmeal taste DIVINE!
i also tried quinoa for the 1st time – LOVE IT TOO! it smells & looks really weird – but oh so yummy. sorta like cous cous but i liked the quinoa better & the health benefits are fabu!

i want my diet to consist of a mixture of different foods & not just be about stir-fried veggies, tofu & brown rice. although i do love that – no one can live on veggies, brown rice & tofu alone.

speaking of vegan – i found this freakin’ awesome blog/site via pinterest that i am totally all over -- beautiful-vegan.com.
loads of information & recipes – even non-vegans would like it!

i warned ya of randomness – so i am totally switching gears here.

i am about fed up with my knees.
i have written about the chronic pain i have had for 20+ years & while since taking off weight & making exercise a daily priority it has gotten overall better – it still hurts. and mainly while i am working out. and it pisses me off.
i am capable of physically doing so much more than my knees (right one in particular) are allowing me to do.
and i am not talking about the muscle pull i had a few weeks back – i am talking about joint pain that lessons my ability to run, jump, squat, & lunge! all things i need to do in order to be in the physical shape i want to be in.
it is sooooo frustrating to know have the strength & endurance to do something that one part of your body is hindering you from doing!

i saw my doctor a month or so ago – she gave me solid advice which helped with the muscle pull (new shoes, epsom salt soaks, stretching, etc.) – but none has helped with the joint pain & i am to the point that i want to address it & make it stop.

i admit fully that i want a quick fix (cortisone shot please!) & to be on my merry way to the gym where i can run, jump, squat & lunge my way through a kickass workout!
so i am adding two cortisone shots on my xmas wishlist this year… heh!
(i say this like i am a doctor & know for sure that will fix what ails me – dontcha love self-diagnosis?)

well i think that about sums it up…
enough rambling & ranting for one day!


peace, l♥ve & carpe the fuck outta diem!
xxoo
cyn

another quickie

day: 28

bloggywood!

gonna be a quickie (i know ya like it when i spew and screw) but i just gotta say this – because maybe getting it off my chest will make me feel better?

i gave up dexter tonight for the gym.

yeah me.

the only time i could get out was 8ish and i knew there was no way i would make it home for the 9pm premier. so i sucked it up like a big girl and put the gym ahead of my tv junkie-ness.
so no spoilers.
i will catch it tomorrow night. and actually it works out for the best – bri gets up wicked early (2am) to be to work for 3am on mondays so he hits the hay before most grandmothers do.
so we can watch it together as we are both humongous fans.

my workout was good despite draggin’ ass tonight.
(see me and my ass draggin…)
i admit it – i ate like shit (not clean and a lot of processed crap) today and i felt it tonight at the gym. tired, sluggish, and so outta my zone.
add some effin’ pms to the mix and i am one miserable biznotch.
i swear i would knife your ass for a mini chocolate chip - just sayin’!
but i feel good that i went.
even 45 *not-feeling-it* minutes on the elliptical is better than blowing the gym off entirely – which i seriously debated.
so yay for me.
(my gym @ night whilst drving away and snappin’ a pic with my shitty cell)

tomorrow is another day & i will make it a much better one.

so totally off-topic but i have to admit that i am totally cheating on facebook with twitter.
i didn’t get the whole twitter fascination – but now i am hooked.
l♥ve me some twitter!

what about ya’ll – what social networking are you diggin’?
(how else can i stalk ya if i dunno?)


spread the bloggy l♥ve, eat your veggies, and love yourself!
xxoo
cyn

meh

day: 21
‘ello blogdom!

i gotta tell ya – i am in no mood to write, but i made a promise to at least try and write something everyday for a month (NaBloPoMo) – so here i be’s!

today was a bad day, okay not bad, just eh -- bri and i bickered (and had a pretty nasty drag out fight) all day.

(number one rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club -- ooops!)
i hate when we have days like this…
i know it happens to all (okay most) couple; but ack.

and it takes it’s toll on us both – for me it meant not making it to the gym.
i had to stick around and have that drag out brawl after all… dumb!
in hindsight; i shoulda said *fuck this noise* and went.
but i care too much and that would feel like not caring.

i wish there was a way to wave a magic wand and make things different.
not better, different.
we will be fine; we always are.
but something has to give in our life so we aren’t compelled to use one another as an emotional punching bag.

the good news is that i made killer vegetarian stuffed peppers tonight.
can ya believe i forgot to take a pic?
i was starving and had one thing on my mind – stuffin’ my face.

also good: i am well within my points and ate clean today.

i also learned something – brown rice is horrid when cooked in a microwaveable rice cooker. blech!

that’s all i got & promise to be back to my sassy-pants self tomorrow.
besides – could be worse…
heh

spread the bloggy l♥ve, eat your veggies, and love yourself!

xxoo
cyn

*** thanking google images ***

grab it by the balls...

day: 17
blogdom – wat up?

so i think i am recovered from the debacle that was the crock pot of shit i made last night.
yeah i shouldn’t be as miffed as i am but -- what the fuck?
only one other time in my life have i had a recipe be a flop – baked winter squash, raisin and pine nut lasagna . but at least my pasta didn’t evaporate (i am still baffled by that?) and it was edible!
it looked okay – but tasted like doodies!

moving along…
so my week – weight watcher /diet/exercise wise has been good.
i have dipped into my weeklies almost every day – and i am okay with that. weight watchers tells me that is okay and i trust them. my goal is to do what they tell me and to stick to the plan. it has gotten 5.2lbs off my rump so i am ass-uming (heh -- i love lame-o obvious jokes!) they know their shit.
and ya know what – if i knew better – i wouldn’t back here again!


i have also earned 34 ap’s (activity points) this week so far – a big-ass number for me.
in the past i have been content to earn 3 or 4 a day maybe 3-5 times a week – the bare ass minimum so i don’t feel like a total chooch.
i feel differently nowadays…
today i will be earning 14 ap’s and this bitch is pretty effin’ proud of herself on that alone!
doesn’t mean i don’t have to pep talk myself all day long, through the car ride there, and into the locker room of the gym – i do every single time. but i get there and give it 110% and always leave glad that i did!

it’s cool how motivated i am – but i also know that this is how i tend to be.
running my ass off right outta the gate only to ultimately gas out about mid-way through…
boo-fuckin-hiss!

but as i mentioned earlier – i am keeping it real and following the plan exactly as instructed – so even on the days, weeks, months that i don’t feel so gung ho – if i just do the basics i should be good.
if nothing else i won’t gain weight, right?
and trust me when i tell you -- i look and get motivation any damn where i can!
no shame in the game my friends!

no shame in taking life by the balls and using every ounce of it to get what you want. because for most of us – that shit ain’t handed out for free on a platter.
(platter --- cheese platter? get ur mind outta the munchie gutter girl!)

okay on a totally unrelated bizarro note…
anyone know why in the ever-loving hell that blogger is the only network that cannot be linked to klout?
because it is really pissing me off.
apparently i am forbidden?
(wait – that sounds kinda sexyass and a little like a cheap perfume on the clearance rack at walmart all rolled into a naughty ball of fun? )

anywho…
anyone know anything about it?
are you forbidden too you naughty kittens?
just curious…

i gotta go sweat my nether regions off!
spread the bloggy l♥ve, eat your veggies, and love yourself!
cyn