getting uncomfortable...

day 136:

merry wednesday-ness blogdom!
hold on – this might be long-winded…

so i wrote on monday that i was in a slump & not having the best of days…
(i have had a few lately truth be told)
between the holidays & then my little girl getting so sick – i think it has been really hard to get back into the swing of things?
i was going through the motions & doing the things i needed to do – but i am certainly not going out of my way to exert any energy to push life past my *comfort zone*…
meh.

i know this is so cliché – but…

(ya know i gotta toss the jillian wisdom in there every now & again)

so yesterday i am took my existance back…
i choose not to exist in the meh where I feel incapable & a little unwilling.
instead…
i am choosing to kickass & push myself past the point of no return. because i do not want to return to that icky blah feeling!
i know sometimes in depression you can’t always will yourself outta the funks – but sometimes you most certainly can. motivation comes from many sources but the kind that counts the most comes from within…

moving along & going in a totally different direction but i do have a point to this…
so yesterday i had a teeth cleaning but let me state this right up front – i am not dentist friendly.
and i know this is horrible but i let a lot of years pass without a visit (just keeping it honest no matter how embarrassing that is). and as hypocritical as this may sound – nothing skeeves me more than fucked up teeth. sorry if that’s offensive & bitchy – but that’s how i feel & i know how ass backwards that sounds coming from someone who avoids the dentist like the plague!
not making lame excuses but you know how it is when you are in your 20s & 30s – you think you’re invincible & nothing will ever happen to you. well i learned the hard way that isn’t the case. i finally relented & saw a dentist a little over a year ago & surprisingly, minus a few minor cavities & the need for a deep cleaning my teeth were a-okay. i mean i am not some grub – i do brush several times a day – totally suck at flossing though & i got my ass chewed for that.
but i digress…
so last year i was on track to getting back to regular dental care & then my shit former job got insane & i totally missed my last two appointments for another cleaning & one last cavitiy to be taken care of.
fast forward a year + later & here i am back at square one. now i have three very small cavitites (grrrr really?!?!) & my teeth needed a deep cleaning.
my last cleaning a year ago wasn’t the best experience – i am sorry but that shit effin’ hurts & i loathe that feeling of the metal hook thingy scraping my teeth – it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard to me!
(my freakazoid anal retentive dental flossing boyfriend LOVES to get his teeth cleaned?!?!)
but at least the hygentist was super nice & very attentive to my chicken shit needs.
well yesterday i got the OTHER hygentist.
the eva braun of dental hygiene i might add.
this bitch MUST work out because i thought for sure she was ripping my teeth out or at the very least scraping the enamel off of them!
it was fucking horrible & i swear i am traumatized. (okay i might be exaggerating but it sucked gorilla nuts for sure!)
but…
i don’t think my teeth have been this clean since the 1980s.
i will be seeing my dentist for four mondays in a row starting on january 30th to get the fillings taken care of (why we can’t do this all in one go i dunno?) & i already have my appointment in july for another deep cleaning (shivers).
i am vowing to not let another year go by without being a good dental patient – no matter how much it scares the crap outta me! because this is what i need to do to be healthy & the best me possible!

which brings me to my point…
i know i have said this before but this journey i am on is about so much more than a number on the scale/losing weight.
it might be the thing that motivated me to get off my ass & has brough me a lot of self-esteem -- but 4 ½ months in & i realize it is about so much more.
it is about taking care of myself – body, mind & soul & becoming the best me i can be!
sometimes that means getting uncomfortable (yeah that again) & doing things that i might not like, that don’t feel so hot, or are not fun.
but that is life & i would rather be living life good & bad than burying my head in a proverbial hole & being that girl who turned a blind eye & didn’t lead her own life.
and if something mundane like the dentist steers me even further in that direction – then bring it on!

peace, l♥ve & carpe the fuck outta this diem!
xxoo
cyn
p.s.
I missed biggest loser last night because goddess group resummed this week – but I will be watching it tonight!

wanna contact me in a more personal manner than my comment form? feel free to email me: chunkygoddess@verizon.net !

coasting...

day 134:

monday monday bloggerville!

i am waving the white flag…
i am officially in a foul mood, tired & life is kickin’ my ass.
okay – well the foul mood & tired part is true at least – life kicks everyone’s ass – what makes me so fuckin’ special?
i have seemed to have lost my mojo in the past week or so?
i am still doing what i do but some days lately it has been a total struggle.
i am still tracking my food & eating well…
still doing my daily dose of jillian…
but i am not putting forth any extra effort to push myself a little harder.

i want to run…
but i haven’t -- not since that one day last week i got the wild hair across my ass...
and i haven’t a valid excuse so i won’t even try to muster one up for good measure!
maybe i need some of this?
i’m in a funk – it happens – and trust me, with my depression i am used to this – only a million times worse & more often.
the old me woulda done this to ease the pain…
the new me says *fuck that noise!*
it will pass & i will kick it back into high gear but for now i am just coasting along…

peace, l♥ve & carpe the fuck outta this diem!
xxoo
cyn

**wanna contact me in a more personal manner than my comment form? feel free to email me: chunkygoddess@verizon.net.

a reflection on 2011: the year i got selfish!

day:118

so this is the dilly – 2011 started out like 2010 which started out like 2009 & so on & so on.
big ambitions & very little motivation.
i can sit here & list a bazillion reasons but ultimately i believe that my inability to be okay with putting myself 1st has been my downfall all along.
no really – hear me out.

this year my life, my health, my sanity, my relationships, & my overall well being were in jeopardy.
i hit a wall with so many things & was left feeling overwhelmed & defeated in just about every aspect of my life!
after years of trying to self-medicate with just about every form (mainly food) possible -- i finally realized that i needed help with my depression & i needed to make that a priority.
i know it’s cliché but admitting ya got issues truly is the 1st step to recovery.
and girlfriend (that be me) be drownin’ in her own shit & shit!

once i got over the depression hurdle that is when i had an epiphany – i cannot be the best mom, partner, friend, daughter, & human being until i am okay with ME. and i cannot be okay with ME until i make ME the top priority in my life over EVERYTHING else.
and I mean EVERYTHING -- kids, spouses, partners, friends, relatives, jobs, faith, commitments – all of it!
all those things you put ahead of yourself no matter what because you believe that is how to show your love & devotion, what is expected of you, makes you a better person, & we (especially women) are taught that being selfish about ourselves is a bad thing.
and sorry kiddos but doing all of this will NOT EVER lead to true happiness.
life is too effin’ short to be unhappy – so i decided to be happy.
that’s when i kicked it into high gear & made some decisions that changed everything…
i left my job -- the work environment was toxic on so many levels & no amount of money is worth being miserable every single fucking day! could we afford it? helllll to the no! but i also couldn’t afford to loathe something so much that i wanted to punch something or someone hard. really hard!

and i rejoined weight watchers – i decided that i am worth the added expense, time, effort & energy it takes to truly commit to weight loss & getting fit.

just those two vital decisions & how they bettered my world transcended into other bigger/smaller decisions & actions that have made my life increasinly happy!
and when mama’s happy – EVERYONE is happy!
truly.

in 2012 – i plan to keep it rollin’ & continue on my current path. i will never be that girl again – the one who lets life come 1st .
i come 1st no matter what!
and anyone who doesn’t like it can kindly step to the left & fuck off.

peace, love, & toasts to a fuckin’ fabulous 2012!
xxoo
cyn

**** disclaimer – i am in NO WAY telling anyone to run out & quit their job or to do anything drastic for that matter. i am only relaying my life experiences & what changes helped me. and as always i recommend EVERYONE see their doctor before beginning ANY weight loss/diet/exercise regimen!

forks over knives

day 94:
happy humps ya naughty bloggah’s!

so i am happy to report that i am not in full-throttle bitch mode today – i feel a wee bit better & no longer have the desire to either punch or eat everything in sight!
yay!

so last night bri & i watched forks over knives -- a brilliant documentary that basically (and i quote)…
“examines the profound claim that most, if not all, of the degenerative diseases that afflict us can be controlled, or even reversed, by rejecting animal-based and processed foods.”

i would recommend this movie to anyone!
(we are wicked documentary freaks so i don’t go around recommending every one i watch – but like food inc. -- this one is a must see!)
the statistics & findings are amazing – and the movie follows 3 people as they adhere to a plant based diet & reverse their health issues which include: type 2 diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, weight. along with other people who participated in a TWELVE year study!

now before anyone gets in an uproar & tells me to get off my soapbox – i realize the thought of cutting out or at least limiting animal products (meat, dairy & eggs) just terrifies most people – and as someone who followed veganism (april – august this past year) – it can be scary.
but it can be done.
even though i fell off the vegan wagon -- i do eat more of a plant based diet than not. there are many days i do not consume meat – I still choose a veggie burger over meat anyday -- but i do eat meat on occasion.
now i am seriously questioning why?

and when you think about it – would you consume the breast milk (news flash: cow milk comes from lactating cows!) of another person or animal?
naw didn’t think so…
honestly – put that way & the whole dairy thing skeeves me right the fuck out!
goodbye cow nipple juice – hello soy milk!

and don’t even get me going on my thoughts on how our government polices our food consumption (via the usda) & pushes us to consume food based on the almighty dollar…
i will keep off that soapbox – but I will say this -- i think it is utter bullshit that it costs a family more to eat a healthy diet than one of ding-dongs, chips, & processed crap!

anywho… my point is this – watching that movie last night reminded me of all the reasons i wanted to be vegan in the first place & made me really think about what it is exactly that i want from this journey. i know it isn’t just about my weight & fitting into a smaller pair ofjeans – that might have been the reasons that sparked my journey – but those are perks & not my driving force anymore.
what drives me now is the desire…
to be healthy – really healthy. not in a processed *diet food* sorta way (and no disrespect to anyone who utilizes those products) -- but from real food that fuels my body & benefits it.
to be fit through my food choices & exercise
to be an example & an inspiration to my children.
and
to be the best version of me i can be. i have sold myself short for 41+ years & i am ready to be the me i was always meant to be!

so in saying all of that – i think it will come as no surprise that i am going back to veganism. truth is i never should have allowed life issues (addressing my depression & new medications) steer me from that path. but i cannot live in the past nor bury myself with regret. i have made immense strides in my food choices even without veganism – so i expect that this transition back with go smoothly.
i know how to do it & i know it can be done --- so it will!

i promise not to be preachy (other than this post of course – sorry i just get excited & wanna share shit) about it – nothing irks me more than people who preach about anything – but it will be something i talk about on my blog of course.

moving along…
tomorrow marks the end of ripped in 30 & yes I did it faithfully and daily for the past 30 days!
it also marks 60 days straight of daily exercise – which amazes me. i don’t think i have ever done anything consequetively for 60 days straight let alone exercise!
and i don’t plan on stopping.
so friday i will have the *official* digits (as in measurements) & such. i am not expecting as dramatic a change as the 30 day shred – that workout shocked my body into über submission – but i think there must be some changes.
we shall see…

also on friday i will begin shred it with weights -- another jillian michaels workout – of course.
it follows her basic circuit 1-2-3 (strength,cardio, ab) style training only this time utlizing a kettleball (which i need to purchase asap). you can use a single hand weight but i am all about the goodies…
i think that about covers it…
and don’t forget to check out forks over knives!

peace, l♥ve & VEGAN margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

tanning booth confessions vol.4

day 73:
hola blogaritas!

been awhile…
so let’s have a go @ it shall we?

<div align="center"><a href="http://chunkygoddess.blogspot.com/" title="misadventures of a chunky goddess" target="_blank"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Wys9zSohkic/Tm4J93PL8FI/AAAAAAAAIEU/c_p27oUWSHA/s300/img0554tbc2.jpg" alt="misadventures of a chunky goddess" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

the random thoughts that permeate my sick twisted little brain whilst standing buck-ass naked in a tanning booth for the longest ten minutes of my life…

in situations like this you have no choice but to come clean and say it like it is…
so here goes – light a candle, chuck life the bird, and fess the fuck up!

confession:
i hurt my knee.
i didn’t wanna admit that i did – but i so did. it is a bazillion times better than 2 days ago but it has taught me a lesson. while my body is doing things i never thought capable; i am not invincible.

confession:
i have been having yet another food-a-palooza this week.
whiskey tango foxtrot?
i weigh-in on friday’s & i swear if i run amuck on the weekend it sets the tone for the remainder of the week. i am thinking i need to do away with my anything.goes.on.saturday mentality. i can control it some weeks but others (this one) i am struggling to get back on track & leave the crap food alone.

confession:
i suffer from depression & am medicated for it.
but wellbutrin has nothing on endorphins!
true fucking story!

confession:
i am trying the biotin & it was not $3 a bottle as they claim on pintrest.
it was $8 for 100 but i am willing to give it a whirl.
from what i hear it makes your hair & eyelashed fuller & shiney. also helps with nail growth – but i get mine done so no biggie there for me. i will keep ya’ll updated.

confession:
there is a lot of buzz about the paleo diet floating around & i am sorry but anyting nicknamed *the caveman diet* doesn’t appeal to me & i cannot help but feel like this is just another *diet*.
i get the premis & some of it actually makes a lot of sense & is very similar to clean eating (no processed crap) but omitting all gains baffles me?
didn’t we all do this diet in the 90s – it was called atkins i believe?
or the sugar busters diet?
maybe i am misinformed but it sounds very similar?

confession:
i start week 2 & level 2 on the ripped in 30! (tab above tracks my progress)
i have no clue what to expect because i never preview the workouts.
but as always – i am a wee bit nervous. just when you think you have one level licked – bam – time to up the ante & fuck your whole world up!
but that’s what i love about these workouts. they are 20-25 minutes long, never boring, & highly effective!

confession:
some days i exude confidence almost to the point of appearing cocky – other days i second guess every little thing i do…

confession:
a random dude flirted with me the other day. it was so bizarro.

confession:
my bestie told me that i was looking very *skinny bitch* the other day.

confession:
i have been totally slacking with my photography. i want a new camera in the worst way & i let that want hinder me sometimes. it’s truly not the camera & i need to remember that!

confession:
we need to move – like yesterday.
my family – all five of us – are temporarily (ha - 3+ years later) living in my grandmother’s house where my mom also lives. yeah 7 peeps in one little house that even though we pay bills for isn’t ours. and we are slapped with that fact daily. sometimes hourly.
i love my extended family (mom & grandma) but we need to be elsewhere!
the economy here is bad – no really we have one of the worst unemployment rates in the nation & i just read a news report that said we would be one of the last three states to jump back from this effin’ recession.
in 2017!
seriously?
we need to move – but how do you move if you cannot find a decent job to save up money? it is a vicious fuckin’ cycle & i have had just about enough of it.
our situation could be a gazillion times worse – we do not go without anything -- but i guess i just never thought we would still be exactly where we were when we decided to just stay here for a little while so we could save money for our own house.
we have done that but with the fact that there is no job security in this blasted state – it is just scary! and i know some people are making it work & trust me i envy them – i guess i cannot help but wonder when we will get our break in life?!?! we are not asking for a handout – far from it. i would just love bri to find a job where he is paid his worth & recognized for how hard he works.
okay -- i will stop – i could write a novel about this & how it contributed to my need for wellbutrin.
*fake smile*

so there ya have it – no shame in my game!
what do ya need to get off your ta-ta’s?!?!
spill it…
then cross your eyes, make the sign of the devil horns, and drink a double hail bloody mary and all is forgiven…

peace, l♥ve & margaritas bloggy peeps!
xxoo
cyn

tanning booth confessions vol.2

day: 22
‘ello blogdom!

another oh-so-fun installment of…

<div align="center"><a href="http://chunkygoddess.blogspot.com/" title="misadventures of a chunky goddess" target="_blank"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Wys9zSohkic/Tm4J93PL8FI/AAAAAAAAIEU/c_p27oUWSHA/s300/img0554tbc2.jpg" alt="misadventures of a chunky goddess" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

the random thoughts that permeate my sick twisted little brain whilst standing buck-ass naked in a tanning booth for the longest ten minutes of my life…

in situations like this you have no choice but to come clean and say it like it is…
so here goes – light a candle, chuck life the bird, and fess the fuck up!

confession…
i can handle getting older – truly i feel 31 and not 41 – but i would so botox the shit outta myself if i could justify such an expense being on a tight budget (ick) and all.
laugh lines look cute on other people.
not me – heh.
and i would so get a boob job too – not a lift – i want these puppies to defy gravity and to look purtier than evahhhh!


confession…
i really think my depression meds (wellbutrin) are not working which in turn makes me feel *not right* again. i was feeling so good for awhile but i feel that *funk* somewhere in me – lurking – just waiting to fuck my day up. luckily i see the doc tomorrow – but ack at the process of getting the right meds and dosage.
so daunting and i am only on round one!

confession…
i got amazing advice yesterday via twitter – basically: fuck calgon, drink tequila!
i think in moderation self-medicating my woes with a libation is a novel idea!
heh

confession…
while i am rockin’ it at the gym -- i still don’t feel that love for working out like some peeps rave about? but i am not totally loathing it either. what i do love is the sense of accomplishment and *i rock balls* attitude when i leave the gym.

confession…
i don’t get the whole twilight thing? even if i was a teeny-bopper i wouldn’t get it? yeah i watch the movies and they don’t suck – but to have so much hoopla surrounding it? i think the books were mediocre at best -- would much rather read some anne rice any day!

confession…
i was asked by a fellow blogger i adore and admire to be featured in an upcoming series and i am elated. not only to be asked but that she liked the piece i wrote.
*does naked cartwheels*
i cannot delve into it too much just yet – not my place – but trust me – when i can – i will be shouting the details from the rooftops of blogdom!

confession…
make-up sex is the best sex.

what do you need to confess to?
off to the gym to get some much needed eliptical time – maybe i am liking it more than i am willing to admit?
bizarrrrrrrrrrro!

spread the bloggy l♥ve, eat your veggies, and love yourself!
xxoo
cyn

***ROCK OUT with your CROCK OUT tomorrow & i promise it won't suck ass!***

five days in...

day 5:

so the end of day five approaches and i have really mixed emotions about how my first week is going so far.
but then again i always do.

the first week is the hardest.
duh, of course it is.
and even though i am super motivated it is still a struggle to end my shitty habits and to get back to a healthy frame of mind.
oh and let usnot forget mother nature and her need to make me a hormonal lunatic with a penchant for candy and well i am just not a happy camper.

but despite my whining i have hung in there –
i have measured, weighed, and tracked every morsel that has entered my trap.
i even tracked the blts (bites, licks, and tastes).
i still have plenty of weeklies – 39 or so at least -- i had a glass sangria earlier and we plan on firing up the bbq tomorrow night as well.
i have also earned plenty of ap’s (14+) despite a bum knee that is trying like hell to make me quit.
so all in all – while i may be moaning and groaning – i am in fact working it pretty damn well!

i think my major issue is truly the pms – seriously, i think after age 40 is should be a voluntary thing. something you take on willingly and only to get out of work, mowing the lawn, and/or annoying family functions.

and today should have been my comeback meeting at ww– but by the time brian (my hunny) got home (he works a wicked early morning shift) it was too late to make it there.

so i am focusing on the upcoming week so i can kick ass and have a great first weigh-in next friday and be pumped for my meeting as well.
i have missed my meetings and most of all my leader tricia who is just wonderous!

and another thought that has been cruising around my brain the past few days…
i am seriously thinking of going back to eating 100% vegetarian again. it has only been a few weeks and honestly i do still eat primarily a plant based diet – but i have fully let veganism hit the curb.
and there again – i resist dairy way more than i eat it – but i have allowed myself a lot of leniency and flexibility these past 6-8 weeks while i focused on getting my head straight.

i was diagnosed with depression and have been getting adjusted to wellbutrin for the past two months. it has been an transition but overall a positive experience. i feel more able to cope and have had an immense sense of clarity in reconigizing toxic situations and people that i needed to weed out of my life.

i feel better than i have in years and like i said, i am so ready to weed out negativity and focus on what i need to do to make me better in mind, body and soul.
ya gotta improve from the inside out after all.
i got the inside in a much better place – let’s see if we can renovated the outside a bit?

i feel like i am on a great path in so many ways and it feels good to be me again.
so take that mother nature and your effin’ pms!

take a minute and love yourself today -- you know you need a hug!
cyn