Wednesday, January 18, 2012

getting uncomfortable...

day 136:

merry wednesday-ness blogdom!
hold on – this might be long-winded…

so i wrote on monday that i was in a slump & not having the best of days…
(i have had a few lately truth be told)
between the holidays & then my little girl getting so sick – i think it has been really hard to get back into the swing of things?
i was going through the motions & doing the things i needed to do – but i am certainly not going out of my way to exert any energy to push life past my *comfort zone*…

i know this is so cliché – but…

(ya know i gotta toss the jillian wisdom in there every now & again)

so yesterday i am took my existance back…
i choose not to exist in the meh where I feel incapable & a little unwilling.
i am choosing to kickass & push myself past the point of no return. because i do not want to return to that icky blah feeling!
i know sometimes in depression you can’t always will yourself outta the funks – but sometimes you most certainly can. motivation comes from many sources but the kind that counts the most comes from within…

moving along & going in a totally different direction but i do have a point to this…
so yesterday i had a teeth cleaning but let me state this right up front – i am not dentist friendly.
and i know this is horrible but i let a lot of years pass without a visit (just keeping it honest no matter how embarrassing that is). and as hypocritical as this may sound – nothing skeeves me more than fucked up teeth. sorry if that’s offensive & bitchy – but that’s how i feel & i know how ass backwards that sounds coming from someone who avoids the dentist like the plague!
not making lame excuses but you know how it is when you are in your 20s & 30s – you think you’re invincible & nothing will ever happen to you. well i learned the hard way that isn’t the case. i finally relented & saw a dentist a little over a year ago & surprisingly, minus a few minor cavities & the need for a deep cleaning my teeth were a-okay. i mean i am not some grub – i do brush several times a day – totally suck at flossing though & i got my ass chewed for that.
but i digress…
so last year i was on track to getting back to regular dental care & then my shit former job got insane & i totally missed my last two appointments for another cleaning & one last cavitiy to be taken care of.
fast forward a year + later & here i am back at square one. now i have three very small cavitites (grrrr really?!?!) & my teeth needed a deep cleaning.
my last cleaning a year ago wasn’t the best experience – i am sorry but that shit effin’ hurts & i loathe that feeling of the metal hook thingy scraping my teeth – it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard to me!
(my freakazoid anal retentive dental flossing boyfriend LOVES to get his teeth cleaned?!?!)
but at least the hygentist was super nice & very attentive to my chicken shit needs.
well yesterday i got the OTHER hygentist.
the eva braun of dental hygiene i might add.
this bitch MUST work out because i thought for sure she was ripping my teeth out or at the very least scraping the enamel off of them!
it was fucking horrible & i swear i am traumatized. (okay i might be exaggerating but it sucked gorilla nuts for sure!)
i don’t think my teeth have been this clean since the 1980s.
i will be seeing my dentist for four mondays in a row starting on january 30th to get the fillings taken care of (why we can’t do this all in one go i dunno?) & i already have my appointment in july for another deep cleaning (shivers).
i am vowing to not let another year go by without being a good dental patient – no matter how much it scares the crap outta me! because this is what i need to do to be healthy & the best me possible!

which brings me to my point…
i know i have said this before but this journey i am on is about so much more than a number on the scale/losing weight.
it might be the thing that motivated me to get off my ass & has brough me a lot of self-esteem -- but 4 ½ months in & i realize it is about so much more.
it is about taking care of myself – body, mind & soul & becoming the best me i can be!
sometimes that means getting uncomfortable (yeah that again) & doing things that i might not like, that don’t feel so hot, or are not fun.
but that is life & i would rather be living life good & bad than burying my head in a proverbial hole & being that girl who turned a blind eye & didn’t lead her own life.
and if something mundane like the dentist steers me even further in that direction – then bring it on!

peace, l♥ve & carpe the fuck outta this diem!
I missed biggest loser last night because goddess group resummed this week – but I will be watching it tonight!

wanna contact me in a more personal manner than my comment form? feel free to email me: !


Maren said...

I hate the dentist too. To the point of tears and sweat and anxiety. So I get gas. :p How's that for chicken shit :p

Mommy Bags said...

I am on your boat I have not been in a long while because I am so chicken shit of the dentist. I have had some really bad moments with dental care and dentist. I really need to go because it is time and I need to go there before I cause some major damage. I also have TMJ so keeping my mouth open for a long period of time really hurts...I also have a weird hubby who LOVES to get his teeth cleaned and actually loves the metal scrapping sound the teeth. What the hell?

vanyelmoon said...

I don't think anyone ever enjoys getting outside of their comfort zone, but I sure do like the results :) Keep kicking ass and taking names!


Anonymous said...

First, I somehow missed Monday's post, and am sorry for that - so here's me offering support and a big old cyber hug after the fact.

Second, you totally rock for taking your life back from the abyss that is depression; that's no easy feat, my dear.

Third, be certain to ask for the nice hygienist, and don't hesitate to say why. That is just not okay.

Finally, I'm with you on the dentist front. My first bad experience came when I was 7 or 8 years old, and the ancient family dentist decided I had too many teeth up top, and so pulled a couple; maybe a few. I now have ever-widening gaps rather than what would have been a relatively even smile, save for (what would have been) a slight gap between my front teeth, which is hereditary on both sides of the family.

When I've published my first novel, and it becomes a best-selling sensation, I'll be getting myself the smile I would have had.

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