Thursday, October 20, 2011

the dress

(this was written last night but due to a restless two year old – i am just now posting…)
day: 45
greetings blog-o-sphere!

i normally don’t get too-too personal on here -- well other than my über personal drivel about my weight & all – heh.
what i mean to say is that i normally save the major family talk & gobs of photos for my mama blog --
the purple goddess.
but something happened today that relates to my journey that i blog about here & my family life that i blog about there.
but let me not get ahead of myself.

in case you weren’t aware – i am the mother of three beautiful
(crazy-ass) kiddos & madly in love with my fiancé brian. we are a fully committed couple living the blended family dream -- as anyone else doing it knows – it’s never the brady bunch.
but no, we are not married.
(september 17, 2010 -- just engaged & so happy – this was the lowest I got on my last weight watcher journey too -- about 191. please tell me i am not the only one who looks @ a photo of themselves & thinks about what weight they were???)
(my amazing engagement ring – isn’t it fabu?)
he would marry me tomorrow but it is me who is draggin’ her feet.
and no, not because i don’t want to marry him.
it’s because i don’t wanna be a fat
(yeah i said fat because that is what it is -- no need to be pc about my own ass) bride & look back @ photos of our wedding & fuckin' loathe what i see.
there i said it!

it has taken me months – no wait – a year or better to admit that.
i finally admitted it to brian the other night after using every excuse in the friggen book.
money, family drama, timing, our living situation
(an entire blog post in itself), you name it.
but the truth is – i am vain as fuck!

i started
the purple goddess as a *wedding blog* to chronicle planning & ultimately marrying brian. i was also in the midst of my last weight watcher adventure & hoping to drop the extra poundage before the *big day* -- back then we planned to be married this past august.
as time went by i knew i wasn’t committed – it was then that i began to get nervous. i pushed the date back from mid-august to early september. then i pushed it to late september – and all because i was not sticking to my plans of losing weight.
by early this past summer i had postponed the wedding indefinitely citing financial reasons -- which do come into play but aren’t the true reason.
our wedding
(or lack thereof) became a taboo subject for me.
and worst of all was my perfect
(for me)
wedding dress that i love – hanging in my closet, covered in plastic, purposely out-of-sight. but yet a constant reminder of how i had not followed through on big plans to lose weight again.
of course i bought the dress in a smaller size that i had hoped to be in and well if you are like me and a yo-yo diet veteran then you know how that always seems to work out.
let’s be honest – i have tons of *when i lose weight* clothes – not just a wedding dress. but the wedding dress of course is the crème de la crème.

the bottom line is this – i was never going to get on track & lose weight for a wedding dress or for a wedding that wasn’t even planned or secured – no matter how much i love brian or wanna be mrs. b.
i had to do it for me & for me only.
and that is where i am at today. this is all about me & for me & not for anyone or anything else. i do not have some date or goal weight that i am striving for – i want to be healthy, in shape, and confident – whatever weight range that may entail & however long it takes me to get there.

but today i decided to do something bold…
i tried on my wedding dress for the first time ever -- yes, ever.
(here it is – strapless, slightly above the knee length, with pockets & a white zebra print – l♥ve & so me!)
(close-up – just love the details on the waistline & you can see the zebra print – did i mention i got this dress for $20 on sale – w00ts)
a major, super, immense, humongous, ginormous, extra-large, stupendous step for me – because trying that dress on represents a year or better of trying & failing & accepting & forgiving myself for it all.
and no, of course it didn’t fit – but it didn’t feel like a total lost cause either.
i know eventually wearing it with pride & struttin’ my ass in it is doable. and while it may be vain – i want to be the best me possible when i marry the man i love with every cell in my
(hopefully thinner & sexier) body! and i will have no problem looking back on any photos of our special day!
everybody wins!

so i ask you – what do you think of purchasing *when i lose weight* clothes?
ever done it?
would you do it for something momentous like a wedding?
do you think it’s a good motivation?
lemme hear your thoughts!

spread the bloggy l♥ve, eat your veggies, and love yourself!


Masshole Mommy said...

Yup, I'm totally jealous of your ring. It's gorgeous.

Crystal @EatDrinkClev said...

I love the dress! And I also love that you admitted why you weren't ready to say "I DO." But - life is short so don't stress out TOO much about your size. I understand totally about wanting to look awesome on your wedding day and in the pictures that you will have forever, but don't let that stop you from taking the steps to marry the one you love. If you are close to fitting in the dress, really dedicate yourself to getting into it so you can commit yourself to Brian and your new life together as a married couple. Best of luck to you!

Mariebop said...

Maybe a corset and some duct tape? LOL!! I gained a few pounds after I bought my dress. It just fit. Then, there was the dress for my sister's wedding... Took my husband and my cousin to zip that bad boy up. Talk about boobage overflow!

I don't buy *when I lose weight* clothes. I'm a necessity shopper not a fashion shopper. I only buy clothes when I the stuff I'm wearing is so worn out that you don't want to even wear it around the house. So the clothes I buy better fit or I'll be running around nekid.

Anonymous said...

I don't - won't - buy "when I lose weight" clothes, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming about them... and pinning them! ;-)

Cyn, the dress is beautiful, as is the ring; amethysts are my favorite gem, aside from diamonds. :-)

And... We are giving you the Liebster Blog award for your fearless, forthright, fabulous blogging! You can snag the details at our blog: :-)

Love and light,
Hot Coco & Foxy Coxy

Maren said...

I was a fat bride and .. well, I felt beautiful anyway. I was fat, but I was loved too. So it was good. But I totally get where you're coming from, it was damn hard for me too. :)

I don't buy clothes that don't fit, except one pair of jeans (my next goal-jeans) :)

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Your dress is beautiful but your ring is STUNNING! I also don't buy "if and when I loose weight clothes". I have a closet full of clothes I can't wear because I've gained weight since stopping smoking. I have a goal to get back into my 34" hip jeans.

Megan said...

I was totally a fat bride, too, but I look more at it like I'd rather be fat for my wedding and healthy for the rest of my life than the other way around. I actually lost 25 pounds the summer before my wedding, but then gained it all back after I stopped "dieting" - such a bad idea, but my dress still fit.

I really try not to buy clothes that don't fit. I definitely dream about them, but I won't buy them because I don't know what I'll look like when I get to that size.

Mommy Bags said...

OK the dress is so you and the ring in amazing and stunning. I stopped buying when I lose the weight clothes I just could not do it anymore. I was tired of spending money on stuff that just hung in my closet. I am healthier, way better shape and happier with myself than I have ever been. Shit I am going on 42 and for the first time in my life I am ok with what I look like. I will never be a 0 I tried to get to the size once and I made myself very, very sick. Not worth it

Anonymous said...

Wow... can I come to the wedding? With a ring and dress like that, I can't imagine how rockin' ass cool the cake and ceremony will be. Congrats.

I have bought 'when I lose weight' clothes - I've yet to fit some of them, but others... it's like Christmas then they fit. It's a good thing. I always get them on super clearance though. I never spend high dollar on shit I might not wear for a year!

Nicole said...

No. Maybe I should...

EmptyNester said...

It took me so long to get my mindset right about losing this weight. I lost 83 pounds my first time out but gained it all back. Now I'm losing it again with the right mindset.

Your dress is gorgeous! Your ring is stunning! And you are marvelous!

StardustSavannah said...

What a beautiful ring and dress.

I gained some weight before I got married...then we quit smoking 10 days after we got married. I'm 30 pounds heavier than when he met me. You gotta love who you are and rock it, woman.

Exercise, yes. Dieting, no.
These two things we do tell our subconcious vastly different things about how we feel about ourselves.

Nice to meet you, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

Wendy McDonagh-Valentine said...

Hi Cyn. I just found your blog thru Follow Friday and haven't had the chance to read thru more than a couple of your posts yet. I'm not sure how old you are but I wanted to tell you, as a woman who has put her life on hold in the past for when I was going to be thin and is still waiting for that day (at the age of 44) please don't make that mistake. Life changes on a dime and you don't want to look back and have to ask yourself why you waited for what you thought would be the perfect moment to get married or whatever else it is that you're putting on hold until you lose weight. I'm saying this as much for me as I am for you. My first husband passed away almost 7 years ago at the age of 40. It was very unexpected. I was 37, the mother of three young sons and had more than a few pounds to lose. I was scared to death to get back out there in the dating world. Who would want an overweight single mom with three kids? If I had put my life on hold until I lost the weight I would still be in the same situation but seven years older (gasp!!). I took a leap of faith and met the most incredible man who loved me and all of my beautiful baggage and we now have a daughter and have been married for three and a half years. I know this is long-winded but I guess I just wanted to tell you to take that leap of faith. Don't let your weight hold you back. You are a purple goddess, after all!!!! XOXO

~ Wendy

Anonymous said...

Cyn -- I think every woman I know does that? I just cleaned out the cedar closet and had to try on everything --- weirdly good and bad.

And I have been in your mind set too, delaying things till I felt better about my body, but as the saying goes "Don't postpone happiness" cause you never ever know what the future holds for any of us --

I wish you knew how gorgeous you are, no matter what weight you are --



Kristen said...

I think we all have felt the way that you do except for some people who seem to be able to eat everything and not gain weight. I have a lot of clothes that I used to be able to wear but would like to someday get back into them...Regardless it sounds like you are loved and cared for regrardless of your weight. Stopped by from the Finding New Friends Blog Hop! Will follow via twitter. :)