the dress

(this was written last night but due to a restless two year old – i am just now posting…)
day: 45
greetings blog-o-sphere!

i normally don’t get too-too personal on here -- well other than my über personal drivel about my weight & all – heh.
what i mean to say is that i normally save the major family talk & gobs of photos for my mama blog -- the purple goddess.
but something happened today that relates to my journey that i blog about here & my family life that i blog about there.
but let me not get ahead of myself.

in case you weren’t aware – i am the mother of three beautiful (crazy-ass) kiddos & madly in love with my fiancé brian. we are a fully committed couple living the blended family dream -- as anyone else doing it knows – it’s never the brady bunch.
but no, we are not married.
(september 17, 2010 -- just engaged & so happy – this was the lowest I got on my last weight watcher journey too -- about 191. please tell me i am not the only one who looks @ a photo of themselves & thinks about what weight they were???)
(my amazing engagement ring – isn’t it fabu?)
he would marry me tomorrow but it is me who is draggin’ her feet.
and no, not because i don’t want to marry him.
it’s because i don’t wanna be a fat (yeah i said fat because that is what it is -- no need to be pc about my own ass) bride & look back @ photos of our wedding & fuckin' loathe what i see.
there i said it!

it has taken me months – no wait – a year or better to admit that.
i finally admitted it to brian the other night after using every excuse in the friggen book.
money, family drama, timing, our living situation (an entire blog post in itself), you name it.
but the truth is – i am vain as fuck!

i started the purple goddess as a *wedding blog* to chronicle planning & ultimately marrying brian. i was also in the midst of my last weight watcher adventure & hoping to drop the extra poundage before the *big day* -- back then we planned to be married this past august.
as time went by i knew i wasn’t committed – it was then that i began to get nervous. i pushed the date back from mid-august to early september. then i pushed it to late september – and all because i was not sticking to my plans of losing weight.
by early this past summer i had postponed the wedding indefinitely citing financial reasons -- which do come into play but aren’t the true reason.
our wedding (or lack thereof) became a taboo subject for me.
and worst of all was my perfect (for me) wedding dress that i love – hanging in my closet, covered in plastic, purposely out-of-sight. but yet a constant reminder of how i had not followed through on big plans to lose weight again.
of course i bought the dress in a smaller size that i had hoped to be in and well if you are like me and a yo-yo diet veteran then you know how that always seems to work out.
let’s be honest – i have tons of *when i lose weight* clothes – not just a wedding dress. but the wedding dress of course is the crème de la crème.

the bottom line is this – i was never going to get on track & lose weight for a wedding dress or for a wedding that wasn’t even planned or secured – no matter how much i love brian or wanna be mrs. b.
i had to do it for me & for me only.
and that is where i am at today. this is all about me & for me & not for anyone or anything else. i do not have some date or goal weight that i am striving for – i want to be healthy, in shape, and confident – whatever weight range that may entail & however long it takes me to get there.

but today i decided to do something bold…
i tried on my wedding dress for the first time ever -- yes, ever.
(here it is – strapless, slightly above the knee length, with pockets & a white zebra print – l♥ve & so me!)
(close-up – just love the details on the waistline & you can see the zebra print – did i mention i got this dress for $20 on sale – w00ts)
a major, super, immense, humongous, ginormous, extra-large, stupendous step for me – because trying that dress on represents a year or better of trying & failing & accepting & forgiving myself for it all.
and no, of course it didn’t fit – but it didn’t feel like a total lost cause either.
i know eventually wearing it with pride & struttin’ my ass in it is doable. and while it may be vain – i want to be the best me possible when i marry the man i love with every cell in my (hopefully thinner & sexier) body! and i will have no problem looking back on any photos of our special day!
everybody wins!

so i ask you – what do you think of purchasing *when i lose weight* clothes?
ever done it?
would you do it for something momentous like a wedding?
do you think it’s a good motivation?
lemme hear your thoughts!

spread the bloggy l♥ve, eat your veggies, and love yourself!
xxoo
cyn